today

beginning tomorrow.

Today started off like any other day.

9AM …

Mrs Tyrant: (talking to herself) No, this just isn’t good enough. This photocopier is too slow! I need to do this NOW. Deadlines, deadlines. I run EVERYTHING here! EVERYTHING would crumble if I didn’t stomp as fast as I could around the hallways! NO, you can’t jump in line… sweetie. I have more important, URGENT work to do for Mr Big Boss.

10AM …

Mrs Fussy: The material of this shirt really is tough to wash sometimes, but the trick is you just add… (10 minutes later) …So I bought a loaf of bread. How was your weekend?

11AM …

Mr Big Boss: I am going to strut around the office kissing arse talking business with my clients on my Bluetooth headset and maybe they’ll notice my NEW pink tie. This one’s different from the rest of my Real Metro Men selection. I pull it off because clearly I’m so manly. 

12PM …

Miss Monster: Time to put my phone on speaker and shout into the phone in my loudest “ARE YOU DEAF?” voice. I don’t think the stupid girl on the other end can hear me. What’s this? She doesn’t realise how important I am? EXCUSE ME, DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM? I AM A SOLICITOR! 

1PM …

Escape for an hour.

2PM …

Mrs Home-wrecker: Oh my god. I actually have work to do. Fucken hell, this is bullshit. Clients want to talk to me and I really cannot be fucked to deal with them right now. Honestly. Can’t they do their own shit for once? Fuck, so much work. And I have to go refill my glass too! Fuck this hangover… I knew I should’ve just stuck to two wines at lunch.

3PM …

Mrs Pathetic: (snaps out of a daydream) Wow, it’s been fun looking online for new homes all day. I hate my ex-husband. I wish he would die. I wish I could kill him, but if I do, I’d have to deal with all those legal issues, and to be honest, what kind of solicitor actually does their own work? That’s what my secretary’s for. OH DAMN. What’s this urgent email? Holy shit, I have to do this now. WHERE’S THE FILE? What am I going to do? YOU! Get in here. FIND THIS NOW. I can’t find it. HURRY, IT’S URGENT! What am I going to do? (almost in tears) What? Oh, it’s in the top drawer, you say? Oh… It is… What? You’re quitting? Fine. Well, do this first. I have some important stuff to finish before I go home 2 hours early today.

4PM …

Another ten people decide they want to quit. They begin to flick through seek.com for the rest of the arvo.

5PM …

From this hour onwards, everyone runs home as fast as they can, whenever their day’s over.

Disclaimer: This is completely fictional and very loosely based on reality. I certainly have never, ever met anyone like this, at all. If, God forbid, these characters truly existed, they would probably require some form of therapy.